Day 40

So 40 days ago I came off Party Barn after the demo. 28 days ago the collarbone snapped and dislocated after I payed back into bed. And 26 days ago I had surgery. 

In the last 6 days I have been finally able to get out of the house for something other than a doctor’s apt. I have good days and I have bad days. I am trying to do some work on some projects on the computer and make very slow progress. I still can’t drive and I’m in some pain all of the time and more pain intermittently. 

The mental and emotional toll are also greater than I ever imagined. I am working to keep my chin up and learn from this but not question too long. Sadness overcomes me and takes ahold and can be hard to shake. Disappointment looms. Shock is fading. Uncertainty prevails and this is hard as I am usually very driven and eager. I am now slow and cautious and questioning. I know there is drive and passion within me but it is quiet and resting. 

I am trying to allow myself rejuvenation time. I am giving my body first dibs on the schedule of the day. I am being sad when it comes and trying to acknowledge all that I can be grateful for, which is much!

On Monday I turned Party Barn out with Bodie and Orion and Calypso in a 32-acre pasture with 20 other horses. Time for them to go be horses. That has made my heart feel good. 

In 40 more days this will all be in what surely will be a better place. For now I am making peace with myself.